Got punk rock running in my veins...

After all these years..

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 14:51:50 GMT

      Well, it's been a very very long time since I've updated this. I feel as though I have nothing important to really say
anymore. This more than likely will be my last entry on here before I move on to bigger and better things, than a almost childlike online journal.

      My apartment is filled with video games, my old riding saddle from college, old guitars, a huge fender amp, a single steamer trunk, and an endless mixture of our clothes in my closet. I'm so blissfully happy at this moment it's pretty fucking cheesy I bet. Sean and I are still very much together, hence that's why all this belongings have been moved into my apartment-and the best part about it is I get to spend every damn day with him and he with me. He asked me to marry him and I very eagerly said yes. I don't think bad things when I'm around him at all, it's a welcome change. I'm not lonely anymore in my somewhat tiny apartment, calling up everyone I know and sobbing about how awful my life is..because honestly, it's not all that awful and probably never was to begin with.

      Yesterday at work, I nearly recoiled in pain when I had to ship out a dress that was going up north to Massachusettes. More specifically to right outside of Boston, where he more than likely still lives. The pain of those memories of the last five or so years have faded significantly more specifically when I stopped talking to Sean and he to me. I always thought we'd end up together, I really did. But then I realized we are too toxic for each other and no matter what it would have never worked out to our liking anyway. When I sealed up the box, I prayed silently it would be lost in transit to some foreign land and never reach it's destination. I may have stopped talking to him but I can still be vindictive when I want to be. I know he knows nothing of where I work or more than likely that the chain I work for has a store in his hometown. I just want to destroy the link between us, no matter how asenine or insignificant it is. I know that will never be until I leave my job. That day my friends, is coming as well.

      On that note, I am leaving this journal behind. It's served me well over the past couple of years, I will come back to it occasionally but only to read of the fun times I had long ago. I'm making new memories with friends and my fiance now, and those eventually will probably wind up on the internet at some point in time. But maybe not..who knows.

      Later.

Macy's Day Parade

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 23:52:41 GMT

      It's been a little bit, so I'll update even though I really don't feel like it...

      I got a new phone, it's pretty sweet. the keyboard slides out from the side of it and it makes pretty noises. It rules..

      I have a new boyfriend, and I completely and utterly adore him. He calls me everyday even when we have nothing of relevance to talk about. He tells me he's waited his whole life for me to come along, and I feel the same way-even though we've been together for such a short amount of time, for some reason it really does feel right. I'm not really used to being treated like this-usually I get treated like this for a few weeks then I'm dumped or they stop calling me. I can't really see him doing that at all. I'm almost positive that I'm in love with him, and he with me.

      There are a few shows coming up, but I'm not sure I have the money to see them all..

      I talked to Sean for the first time since my birthday today. It was odd, and I finally realized he's a selfish prick who thinks nothing but of himself. I've finally also realized that I don't love him anymore, and I think I just fell in love with the wrong guy named Sean. The guy I'm with now is also named Sean and is nothing like him. I told him I was probably coming up to Boston in March to see Dropkick play, and the idiot just assumed that I was coming up to see him. Self involved asshole..whatever. I stopped waiting for him months ago to come around, he never will.

      Well, this is short-but I have to do dishes, maybe I'll settle in for a movie and relax :)

Carry On

Sat, 15 Nov 2008 03:03:14 GMT

First thing you wash in the shower?
My hair

What coloris your favorite hoodie?
Grey

Wouldyou kiss the last person you kissed again?
Absolutely

Do you plan outfits?
Not usually

How are you feeling RIGHT now?
I'm tired

Whatsthe closest thing to you thats red?
Candle

Do you say aim or a-i-m?
Aim

Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
Can't really remember

Did you meet anybody new today?
Yes, Eileen a temp boss at work

What are you craving right now?
Sleep

Do you floss?
Rarely

What comesto mind when I say cabbage?
Cabbage Patch Kids

When was the last time you talked on aim?
Months ago

Are you emotional?
I can be.

Would you dance to the taco song?
WTF is that?

Have you ever counted to 1,000?
Yes.

Do you bite into your ice creamor just lick it?
Lick it.

Do you like your hair?
For the most part.

Do you like yourself?
I do.

Have you ever met a celebrity?
Lots

Do you like cottage cheese?
Not really

What are you listening to right now?
Nothing

How many countries have you visited?
One

Are your parents strict?
Not at all.

Would you go sky diving?
Probably not. Sensory overload haha

Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?
Maybe if he paid

Would you throw potatoes at him?
hahaha what? No!

Is thereanything sparkly in the room you're in?
Yes.

Have you ever been in a castle?
Yep I have

Do you rent movies often?
Nope

Who sits behind you in your math class?
I don't have a math class

Have you made a prankphone call?
Most likely,but it was when I was young.

Do you own a gun?
Nope.

Can you countbackwards from 74?
I sure can.

Who are you going to be with tonight?
Me (unfortunately)

Brown or white eggs?
I don't really care.

Do you own something from Hot Topic?
Yes.

Ever been on a train?
I have.

Ever been in love?I have.

Do you have a cell-phone?
I do.

Are you too forgiving?
Yes.

Do you use chap stick?
Sometimes.

What is your best friend doing tomorrow?
Maybe working I don't know

Can you use chop sticks?
Uh,not really.

Ever have cream puffs?
Yep, and I like them

Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
Nope I have not

What was the last question you asked?
What movie are you watching?

What was the last CD you bought?
I don't remember. I think it was Paramore

Boys or girls?
Boys.

What is your bus number for school?
Don't go to school anymore

Is your hair curly?
I have some curls,but it's mostly just wavy.

Last time you cried?
Halloween

Ever walked into a wall?
haha I'm a klutz yes

Do looks matter?
Not really

Have you ever bought anything from Pac Sun?
Yes.

Have you ever slapped someone?
I have slapped a lot of people.

Favorite time of the year?
Fall.

Favorite color?
Red and Black

Are you sarcastic?
Sometimes

Do you have any tattoos?
That I do

The last person you held hands with?
Sean :)

Do you sleep with the TV on?
Almost never

Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
Nope

Do you like your life right now?
I totally love my life right now

How often do you talk on the phone?
Pretty frequent

What is your favorite animal?
Horses

What was the most recent thing you bought?
Food from Dunkin Donuts

Do you have good vision?
I suppose

Can you hula hoop?
Not really. I'm not coordinated haha

Could you ever forgive a cheater?
I've been the cheater mostly, and I've been forgiven a lot. I don't think I could do it. Once a cheat always a cheat, I should know I've done it.

Do you have a job?
Yep

Can you handle the truth?
I may not always be able to deal but I'd rather the truth than be lied to.

What are you wearing?
Pajamas

Have you ever crawled through a window?
I have. It's hard!

Divinity Destroyed

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 18:46:00 GMT

So..lots of action happening since the last real post I did..

Matt and I broke up. FINALLY. I feel so much better about it, and there are no hard feelings. It did take me getting very very drunk and him telling me to go fuck myself for it to happen. But that was all in the past and the next day we talked and things are alright between us. He came with me Katy and Joe to Dropkick on friday too. So much damn fun!!!

      One of my bosses left work (she got another management position at a newer store by her house) and we had a party for her on Sunday. It was nice, we even made her cry! It was a total surprise to her too, we all were good about keeping it a secret.

      I got out of work yesterday and as I'm driving my phone rings. Turns out its Sean (the kid from meg's birthday party). I was completely (and very happily) shocked that he even called me. He ended up coming over last night and we watched a movie and had a couple of drinks. I'm a happy girl because all I'm going to say is things are starting to go my way again, and that's the best thing I need right now. He'll call me tomorrow..so he says.

      I think this one will finally stick after all the dumb jerkoffs I've been seeing as of late. Fingers crossed.

      Later.

Survey Time..

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 01:41:38 GMT

1) What was going through your mind during your last kiss?
God I wish this was someone else (I'm mean haha)

2) How did you do on the last test you took?
I don't take tests anymore

3) What is your ringtone for when people text you?
It's a chime of some sort

4) What show did you last watch?
I don't have cable

5) Whose arms do you feel the safest in?
Nobody's I suppose

6) What foods make you sick?
Lasagna

7) Do you get shy around the guy/girl you like?
I don't really like anyone right now

8) Do you remember what you were like a year ago?
I was the same just in another state

9) Do you still have feelings for your ex?
Depends on which one. I think to some extent I will always care for them.

10) Name something you like and hate about your default:
On myspace? That people thinks it's me and it's really not

11) Do you have family problems?
Nope

12) Where are most people in your top from?
All over. Some from Jersey some from other states

13) What was the last meal you ate?
Grilled cheese

14) Who are there pictures of in the room you're currently in?
Bettie Page and some paintings of NYC

15) Name one thing people think about you that's not true?
That I'm a slut, I'm really not anymore

16) Do you give special ringtones to certain people?
Nope, they all get the same one

17) What's the weather like outside?
Cold.

18) Have you ever seen a 3D movie in theaters?
It's been a while but yes

19) How was your last relationship?
Real Relationship? Short, but wonderful.

20) Where'd you get everything that you're wearing?
Vicky S, and target

21) Do you text with T9 or ABC?
ABC.

22) Have you memorized your social security number?
Yeah.

23) Have you ever had a dream about people you love dying?
Yes.

25) What was the last advice you gave someone?
To be careful with the person they are with and to not let them control her

26) What radio station do you listen to the most?
106.3

27) Whats your worst grade this quarter?
I don't go to school anymore

28) If you died today, would there be anything you wish you could've said to someone?
Of course

29) Are you on youtube?
God, I hope not!

30) What do you think about the person that last texted you?
That he has no spine anymore, and part of that is my fault

31) How do you like your school?
I don't go to school anymore

32) Why did your last relationship end?
Because he got scared and ended it

33) Are you friends with your last ex?
When he calls me yes

34) Are any of your exes on your top friends?
Nope.

35) What's the last food you ate that was stale?
Probably cereal

36) Have you ever been in love?
Yeah.

37) Who will you never forget?
Everyone that means something to me in my life.

38) Have you ever questioned your sexuality?
Yes I have

39) What are you afraid of?
The dark,being alone,death,and bugs.

40) What do you look for in a relationship?
Trust, loyalty

41) Would you ever consider having a relationship with your best friend?
I've bene in one for the past year and I want it to end desperately

42) What piercings do you want to get?
My nipples but I'm a chickenshit

43) Have your friends ever seen you cry?
Yeah.

44) Who was the last person you cried in front of?
Matt when I got drunk on Halloween

45) Can you do a push-up?
Yeah.

46) Are you self conscious about your weight at all?
Nope

47) Have you ever had a panic attack?
Yeah.

48) Name the last time you got really anxious.
It's been a while

49) Would you ever consider moving back to your hometown?
Not really

50) Describe your laugh?
It's loud

51) What do you think about the person that last commented you?
I miss Krista, I want to see her again soon!

52) How did you meet the last person you kissed?
At a bar

53) Are you currently going out with that person? Why?
Sort of. I don't want to anymore though

54) Can you do the Crank Dat dance?
Nope, what the fuck is that?

55) Who sings the song you last sang?
ahahah The Bloodhound Gang!

56) Have you ever modeled for anything?
No, but when I get my sleeve done I'll try for Suicide GIrls

57) Plans for this weekend?
Yes! Dropkick on Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!

58) How was last weekend?
I got drunk at Meg's birthday party it was hilarious

59) Have you ever been to California?
Yes.

60) How about New York City?
Yes.

61) What's your favorite color to wear?
Black or Red.

LA's

Tue, 28 Oct 2008 02:03:22 GMT

It was Megan's birthday on saturday. I had a great time...

The place her party was at was surprisingly very easy to find. It was a dive bar called LA's. A handful of people showed up (Including Chris..yes THAT Chris, the idiot I hooked up with and then who never called me again. More on him in a minute), and as soon as I showed up Johnny picked me up and carried me across the parking lot, but then almost purposely dropped me in a puddle after I told him to put me down, Good times..

      So I ended up getting drunk. It was funny. Meg loved my present to her (a gift card to Sephora), and I ended up playfully fighting with her best friend Sean (ha funny right?) over the rivalry of the Red Sox and Yankees.

      Chris ended up being a douche and putting sugar in my hair, like a fucking 4 year old. Real mature, dumbass. But karma got him back in the end and he got drunk and tried to do an irish jig outside the bar when it was raining and the wood patio was slick and he did a very nice faceplant on the ground. I laughed my ass off, only to have myself fall as well-but I was much more graceful about it hehe. In my drunken stupor though, I sat on my purse and ended up fucking up the screen on my cell phone because apparently my fat ass broke it hahaha. I never thought I'd see the day. I just remembered now that I also tried to steal a fork, much to Sean's amusement and delight. I'm just a crazy klepto like that.

      I ended up making out with Sean too. God, what is wrong with me? I really hope Meg didn't scare him away because I like this kid. He's pretty cool, and nice. But I've said that about everyone else and where has it gotten me? That's right, nowhere. I doubt he'll call, even though once again (like the others) said he would. I'm not buying that shit anymore. Whatever.

      I'll end this on a good note-John bought a drum set again. I literally freaked out at work when he texted me that. I was like 'thank god you did! It's about damn time again!' haha. silly kid.

      Later.

Oh thank you thank you thank you!!

Sat, 25 Oct 2008 14:02:08 GMT

So I just got a message from Billiam on my myspace saying my dear boys from RI are getting the band back together!! Gahhhh, this just totally made my day :) I had been telling John for MONTHS to get back together with Billiam and Larry-but he always said 'no. it's done, it's going to probably stay that way.' Hopefully all the times I went to see them and spent said times whining that the band should get back together paid off. Yayyyyy.

I know that when they do another show again they will probably ask me to come, and I know I will. This will be a neverending cycle in my life, I know this. I'll show up, it'll be awkward for about 2.5 seconds-then everything will be fine once I get some booze in my system. I will probably jump all over Billiam and Larry for not seeing them again for months and months on end. John will probably have some other stupid girlfriend hanging on him that looks suspiciously like me and I'll probably sit on his lap again and cause them to break up-a fact that I am STILL proud of after all this time haha. I actually went on urbandictionary.com a while back and typed in my name and this came up:

A hot piece of ass who tends to wear glasses and has extremely bouncy playful hair. She gives the best advice and can be looked at as a "sex goddess". She has a strange obbsession with horror movies and fucking certain males even when she has a boyfriend.

See?? Some things don't change. I'm looking forward to seeing a live show again guys! hahaha

So this is what I do with my time..

Wed, 15 Oct 2008 01:22:57 GMT

How may times have you kissed the last person you kissed?
I did a few times

What did you do last weekend?
Went to a family party

What are you doing later?
I dunno

What is the last song to make you cry?
Fall for you -Secondhand Serenade

When was the last time you hugged someone?
A few days ago

Whats your favorite season?
Fall or Summer

Latest you stayed up in the past week?
1 AM

Have you kissed anyone on the lips within the past month?

A few

Who was the first person you talked to today?
My Boss

Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you, and meant it?
Yes

What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
Went online

Do you trust people?
Yes,until they give me a reason not to.

Who were you with at 10:00 last night?
Myself

Name all your cousins on your mom's side?
I only have one-Alex

Are you confused about something right now?
I was but not anymore

Did you have fun yesterday?
Not really I worked

How did you spend the beginning of your summer?
With friends and music

Ever received a really long apology?
Nope

Do you have someone who you can be your complete self around?
Yes,I have a lot of people that I can be like that around.

When you think about your last kiss, what does it remind you of?
A fleeting moment of happiness

Do you feel comfortable with answering personal questions?
Yep

Have you ever kissed anyone with a name that starts with A or Z?
With an A yes, with Z no

Whose car were you last in?
Mine

How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?
Maybe 2

Will you be in a relationship in 4 months?
Maybe, maybe not

If you're being extremely quiet, what's it mean?
That something is bothering me

Have you had alcohol in the past 2 weeks?
Yes.

Are you a jealous person?
I can be

Have you ever peed in the woods?
Yes, with glo in the dark toilet paper too!

Where have you lived throughout your life?
CT

What were you doing at 1 AM this morning?
Sleeping

What color are your nails?
French Manicure

What are your plans for the weekend?
I don't have any yet, work probably

1: Matt
2: Katy
3: Joe
4: Eliot
5: Kate
6: Renee
7: Amanda
8: Erin

Why is the person in spot 1 there?
Because he is my everything.He is my back bone.I don't know what I would do without him.I love him to death.He's my best friend.

Have you ever hugged 6?

I always hug her

Out of your top 8, who was the last one you road in a car with?

Matt

When was the last time you talked to 2 on the phone?

I saw her today

How do you know 8?
Through school

Have you ever kissed any of them?

I have kissed three of them

Where's 4 right now? India.

Is 2 taken or single?

Taken by Joe

How did you meet 1?
At a bar

Would 4 & 5 make a good couple?
haha no way

What about 1 & 3?
Again no way

Have you taken a trip with 6?

To the bars we have haha

How long since you've seen 4?
Not since July (I miss her so much!)

When was the last time you kissed 1?

A few weeks ago

What is your favorite thing about 6?

That she tells it like it is

What about 7? That she's sweet

Who is 2's best friend?

I think her sister

What does 4 usually ask you for?

If I want to hang out

Who do you think is the funniest of your top 8?
Probably Joe or Kate

Who of the Top 8 smoke?
I think Kate is the only one that doesn't

Who is your favorite to talk to when you're down?
Either Matt or Katy

Would you ever date 1?
I have on and off for a year

Who are you closest to?
Matt

Describe 8 in 3 words?
Adventurous,fun,beautiful.

Does 7 have any siblings?

Yes,a sister.

Who have you known the shortest?
Kate

Who have you known the longest?

Erin

Who lives furthest away? Right now Eliot does

Who lives closest?

Katy and Joe

What are the last three numbers of 3's phone number?

Uhh,I'd have to look it up.

Is there any bad blood between you and you're top 8?

Nah.

What would you do with 5 if you were locked in a room with him/her?

I dunno maybe drink haha

Out of your top 8.. who is better looking?
Kate is really pretty

60 things you didn't know about me until you read this...

1)What color is your toothbrush?
Red and white

2)What were you doing 45 minutes ago?
filling out this survey.

3)What is your favorite candy bar?
Snickers

4)Have you ever been to a strip club? Yep, it was fun

5)What is the last thing you said aloud?
"Love you, bye"

6)What is the best ice cream flavor?
Pumpkin

7)What was the last thing you had to drink?
Iced Tea

8)What are you wearing right now?
hoodie, projekt rev t shirt and jeans

10)Have you bought any new clothing items this week
Nope

11)When was the last time you ran?
A while ago

12)Who was the last person to send you a message/ comment on myspace?
Krista

13) Do you take vitamins daily?
Nah

14) Do you go to church every Sunday?
No

15)Do you have a tan?
No,but I want one.

16)Do you like Chinese food over pizza?
Nope

17)Do you drink your soda with a straw?
No.

18)What did your last text message say?
Have a good day love you

19)Are you someones best friend?
I am!

20)What are you doing tomorrow?
Cleaning my apartment and doing some grocery shopping

21)Where is your dad?
In CT

22)Look to your left, what do you see?
A lamp

23)What color is your watch?
I don't wear watches.

24)Do you use chapstick?
Hells yeah.

25)What is your birthstone?
Sapphire

28)Last guy you talked on the phone with?
Matt

29)Last girl you talked on the phone with?
Russia Kate

30)Any plans today?
Maybe kate is going to call me back.

31)Do you dye your hair?
Not really anymore

32)Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
Lack of money.

33)Can you say the alphabet backwards?
If I go really slow I can.

34)Do you have a maid service clean your house?
Nah.

35)Are you jealous of anyone?
Nope.

36)Do you love anyone?
I love a lot of people.

37)Do any of your friends have children?
They sure do.

38)Do you hate anyone that you know right now?
Nope.

39)Do you use the word hello daily?
Possibly.

40)Do you like cats?
I love them.

41)Have you ever been to Six Flags?
I have.

42)How did you get your worst scar?
A horse back riding accident

44)What is your favorite smell?
Cookies baking

45)What was the last dvd you watched?
Dogma

46)Do you like sudoku?
I don't honestly know how to do it.

47)Have you ever been to Disney World?
I have, it's alright

48)What is your favorite number?
6

48) Have you ever waited tables?
Yep it's fun and good money

53)What is your zodiac sign?
Virgo

55)Are you/do you want to be married?
I want to be married eventually...when I met the right person.

56)Do you remember the "Pepsi wave"?
Nope.

57)Do you like clowns?
Not really.

58)What is your favorite animal(s)?
Horses and cats

59)Do you have/want children?
I want to have children eventually.

60)Do you enjoy wasting time on MySpace?
I do.

Mad Hatter

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 23:00:36 GMT

Well, Justin never called..*shrug*. This is getting to the point where it's almost depressing, I don't do anything with a guy, and they still don't call me. Good thing Russia Kate and I are going out again tomorrow night after work to Sea Bright. We're going to do Kareoke or however it's freaking spelled. I told her I will not go home with some random guy, wake up the next day in his bed, and leave with nothing but pajamas and a burned CD, haha. I've never done kareoke before, so I'm a little nervous-I'll probably be fine once I have a drink or shot in me heh.

Not too much else is going on, just been working and the like. I'm honestly really sick of Matt. It's always the same thing with him-the same phone calls, the same way he talks to me. He has no backbone anymore, and it's kind of annoying. He won't stand up for me, well actually let me rephrase that. Let's say that I go off to get something to eat with a guy or something. He'd just be all 'ok hun. that's great, have a good time.' He wouldn't even say no, I mean it's a good thing-but it means that I have the power in this relationship. And given my track record, I will abuse that power very very soon. Basically I can more than likely flat out cheat on him and he'll forgive me. I don't want to be like that anymore, and I don't want to be in a relationship with someone that accepts that. Ha, you know it's days like this that I do miss being with John, at least he would threaten anyone that even looked at me (not physically, but just trash talking-it's pretty funny, and it lets you know they at least care about you to defend you).

Loads of good shows coming up. I'm trying to take the rest of my vacation days off to go see Bayside for three days straight in November. It's looking like that's definitely going to happen, I'm so excited! Sevendust is going to be around on Matt's birthday, but I have a feeling that he won't go to see them. I remember last year I wanted to take him to see Bouncing Souls at Toad's Place, but of course his stupid friends had to go and we completely missed the show altogether. I wasn't too thrilled about that. Don't have too much else to say, I guess.

Later.

Shudder

Fri, 03 Oct 2008 19:28:09 GMT

      I'm so hungover today it's crazy..went to a club last night. I met a boy. He's so utterly adorable...

      Last night I made plans with the newest girl to join my work, Kate (I call her Russia Kate cause you know-she's russian haha) to go out to a club in Trenton after I got out of work. I freaked because I didn't have anything nice to wear and Kate told me that this place is nice so I bought a cute bubble dress from work, and silver heels to go with it. I get to the club, and everyone is dressed normal. UGH I overdressed! haha, it was alright though-other than the fact that I had to keep yanking the dress up and my bra was sliding down my ribs.

      I had one too many shots to drink for sure. There was a local band playing called the Benders. They were actually a good cover band, and I immediately set my sights on their drummer because he was cute (god, seriously-what is it about them that I absolutely love? haha). Well, Kate goes up to him and does a little talking. I'm over by the bar hiding my face because I'm kinda mortified that she's trying to hook me up with him since I'm a chickenshit and won't do it myself. Well, I glance over at his hand and of course there's a fucking ring on it. Damn! Oh well.

We're dancing and taking crazy ass pictures, then Kate sees this guy and starts talking to him. Turns out he's a ballroom dancer like her and they go off and start dancing and making out and junk. I'm there and start talking to his poor friend-who looks completely out of place. He notices my Bayside tat and asks about it, completely stunned that I even have one-let alone that I know who the band is. Turns out he's really into them too and we start to talk about music and cars and everything else. I can't remember a lot because I was so fucking wasted at this point. I did ask him (before I got extremely hammered) if I could crash at his place and save me the hour ride home I had to make after the club closed. He had no problem with it, so I proceeded to get completely obliterated. Haha, I didn't mean to, they completely snuck up on me.

     I wake up this morning, and the room is still spinning. He leaves to go to work and says he will come back on his lunch break to see if I'm alright. His name is Justin and he owns his own house. He rides motocross, and he loves my music. He has a freaking BMW (actually 2-he's selling the other one) and an old motorcycle. He's a financial advisor for some company by princeton. He went to Penn State and graduated. So anyway, he comes home at noon and I'm still half passed out in his bed (in a tshirt he gave me last night because he actually had respect for me and didn't try anything) and he asks how I'm feeling.

      "How much water have you had since I left?" he asks me. I point to the water bottle that's pretty much empty from the night before he gave me so I didn't get sick. "You silly girl. You need more, you want some aspirin too?" Holy shit. where the hell was this guy a year ago before I met Matt?? haha seriously. I'm basically a stranger to him and he lets me stay in his house while he's at work, doesn't try to sleep with me or anything the night before, and takes care of me after I'm hungover. I literally looked at him and said "You are completely adorable".

      He burned me the new Bayside CD (which is damn good) and is begging me to go to the Philly show to see them and meet up with him during it. I may consider it...

      I once again pulled the 'well you're not going to call me' card. I told him that too, he looked at me and said 'You like good music and you know about racing and cars. You're a very interesting girl, and cool as hell. Don't think I'm not going to call you cause I will.' I stole his pajamas too because I didn't want to walk outside in my dress.

      I hope so..

      Later.

I found out the hard way, nothing is what it seems

Sat, 20 Sep 2008 02:37:11 GMT

      Never truer words spoken than from Corey Taylor (lead singer of slipknot and stone sour in case you did know that). I have a lot on my mind lately. Mostly about the trust level of my friends, and who I consider a friend still. Let's run down the quick list of these:

Sean-still kind of a friend even though I never hear from him anymore. I'm starting to finally fall back out of love with him

John/Billiam- Again in the same category as Sean, for the most part

Meg/Johnny-Absolutely my friends, they are awesome and stick up for me and by me

Annie- My sweet girl, she is always my friend

Katy/Joe- Again, even though recently I have not spent a ton of time with them-they are without a doubt good friends

Matt-First and foremost my best friend in the entire world first and my boyfriend second-I can't imagine being without him ever.

      There are others that I do talk to, but this is the hardcore group at the moment that I have. Notice that I left one name off that list. Sandy.

      So, where do I begin? I understand that people have their own lives (especially when a newborn baby boy is thrown in the mix), but to simply not call at all- even on my birthday I don't understand. I tried to talk to her a couple days ago, and I have NEVER EVER felt like I did when I hung up that phone. I felt worse than I did before I spoke with her. There was tiredness in her voice, yes. But there was also the distinct fact that she did NOT want to speak with me. Then I have to hear about it (through other people and not from she herself) how she is talking all this shit behind my back about how I'm taking away all her friends? Are you fucking serious? No really. Are you fucking serious?!

      She is fucking 27 years old, married and now has a beautiful baby boy. FUCKING ACT LIKE IT! Don't pull this high school bullshit of crying to everyone else that you are losing all your friends. Do something about it! I did not steal her friends, most of them are both of our friends. She was pregnant and on bed rest. How could she go and see people? And furthermore- even if she didn't want me to meet these people...how about not introducing us to each other? Christ, it's fucking ridiculous. I shouldn't have to defend who I fucking hang out with. It's pathetic. And she really needs to stop acting like she really gives a shit about me because she obviously doesn't. And I'm fine with that, because now we can stop pretending like we have anything in common anymore. Just don't pretend to be my friend, be a fucking grownup and end it.

I'm hurt more than angry. I really am. I thought she was never like this, I never thought she could be like this. I am losing one of the best friends I've had for the better part of almost 6 years. I've known this girl since I was 19 years old. Hopefully one day she'll realize what she's lost, and if she keeps acting like this-she'll lose a hell of a lot more.

Sorry if this hurt anyone. Later.

Over way too soon

Tue, 16 Sep 2008 00:38:46 GMT

      So my vacation time is up. I went back to work today and the fun week that was my birthday week is over..

      So on my birthday exactly at 12:01, guess who texted me happy birthday? Sean did. I seriously wanted to cry, it made me so happy. Nobody else with the exception of Matt calling me actually at like 12:10 said happy birthday to me. Unfortunately, I haven't heard from Sean since. *sigh* of course, it figures..

      True to my own word, John nor Billiam texted me or called me to wish me a happy birthday. Assholes. I can't believe I actually thought these people were my friends. I'm finally starting to realize that now. It's very sad, but I needed to see it for myself I guess. Haha, on a funny note-I called Sabrina at like 8 in the morning all happy and junk yelling happy birthday to her too.

     "Thanks, can I go back to sleep now?" she asked me..oops. Haha, the poor thing. I woke her up accidentally.

Present wise-it rocked. I got money from most of my family so I can actually continue to live here and pay my bills haha. My mom got me The Black Parade is Dead DVD. I knew I was getting it, we watched the whole thing as soon as I opened it. She loves it, and definitely misses them being around. But I told her they were on tour for two years, they need a break haha. I went to Hope Gallery in New Haven to look up some artists to maybe start on my half sleeve. I ended up going in a completely different direction than what I originally wanted, so I suppose I'm making my right arm my 'pin up' arm. I already have a nice Olivia painting of Bettie Page picked out that I want so. The guy who's gonna do it does amazing work too. BUT, I have to wait till January for my appointment. I was super bummed, but I think it'll be worth it in the end.

      I went out with Matt, and Renee after not seeing her for almost a whole damn year. I miss her so much and she considers me one of her best friends so I think that's awesome. I had a few drinks and relaxed for the most part. She introduced me to her friend Ted, who is cool as fuck. I wish they would get together but he says they are just friends for right now. Her friend Jamie turned 21 at midnight on thursday too so we celebrated that too. It was so much fun.

      Friday I ended up going to New Hampshire with Matt. I went to Loudon for the nascar race. Holy shit I had so much fun! I've never been to a big time race like that before and the seats were perfect where we could see like 95 percent of the speedway. We stayed for all the action until sunday night too so I got to see everything. There were so many people, and I took a ton of pictures. Matt got a nice shot of Richard Petty too. Yeah, he was down below the grandstands talking to a couple of the security guards and I spotted him. Matt took a picture as I waved to him and he waved right back..but after that I left him alone. Didn't want to draw too much attention to him.

      That was pretty much it. I spent most of the time with my family and Matt so, I had a pretty good birthday.

      Later.

Glass Cage

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 22:41:10 GMT

      My birthday is on Saturday. Wow, I'm gonna be 23. I guess that's an accomplishment...

     So, after my little blow up in my last entry-I did end up talking to John about this whole thing. He told me the girl is a friend of his who does like him, but he doesn't want her like that. I believe him so..the only thing I have to say about this whole deal is my birthday present from them would be for them NOT to forget my birthday and say happy birthday at least.

     Megan (who I took to Bamboozle a looong ass time ago in may) called me up the other night and invited me out with her John (haha we have to designate John's as ours-kinda funny) and their friend Chris. I didn't have too much to drink, and they kept trying to hook me up with him.

    It worked. If only for the night..

    Whatever.

     Don't really have much else to talk about. Some cute guy showed up at work today to deliver flowers to my boss because her other business is running a flower shop. I tried hitting on him a little bit, dunno if it worked.

     Later.

Just in case you're keeping score

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 22:43:08 GMT

       Well, I just discovered something. I'm officially an idiot. Oh, and that I hate two people that I thought were my friends.

      Jair talked to me today..thought things were alright and all that. He asked me how life was going and all that, he told me he found an apartment up north..oh and that he has a girlfriend.

     YEAHHHH. What the fuck?! Apparently the whole "well I'm not ready for a relationship" thing was BULLSHIT. I guess it was just "well I'm not ready for a relationship with you" but someone else will do just fine. Asshole. I uninstalled AIM and deleted his number out of my phone..finally.

      The other one is the one I never ever would have expected.

      John and I are no longer friends. We are no longer speaking. Apparently that didn't stop him from posting pics of his new girlfriend on his myspace though. Which I just so happened to stumble upon about 10 minutes ago. I am ready to fucking murder him for that. How the fuck could he do this to me? He was NEVER like this (Ironically enough back in the day-I was). How the hell could I have known he had a new girlfriend, he never talks to me anymore. Then the one time he did (which was like three weeks ago) he told me how sorry he was that we hadn't spoken in a while and that it had nothing to do with anyone else! Yeah? REALLY?? Pictures don't lie FUCKER!!! Seriously, where the fuck do I find these people? As soon as I saw the pics, I couldn't breathe. I started crying hysterically because I really thought he wasn't capable of this. I'm debating whether or not just to not speak to him at all, or to text him a final time telling him to go fuck himself.

      I'm going to go blast Taking Back Sunday's "Liar" now. It should make me feel better.

      Later.

ugh..why?????

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 13:54:09 GMT

      This past weekend, I had the whole weekend off (Don't know how that happened). So, what did I decide to do? Travel all the way up to Boston (like an idiot). I'm assuming most will know how this fiasco turned out..

      After months of reluctance, I finally gave in and decided to go see Sean. I actually grappled with the decision for almost an hour too, which I've never done before. I realize now that I should have listened to my brain for once and just not gone at all. But in the end, I ended up going all the way up there. Sat in the square for an hour (yes I really did this) all for nothing. I texted him a bunch of times and left a message or two. Nothing. It did occur to me that I should have just gone to his house (which I was less than a mile away from), but I didn't for some reason. Well, after an hour-I got just plain tired of waiting and angerily turned around and drove home. Yes, I drove three hours back to CT, then back here. I was beyond pissed for the entire ride. I swore that boy up and down, that I would never see him again-that he hadn't changed. Well, I call up Matt to bitch (because I always bitch to matt about my boy problems even though I know he doesn't want to hear about them) and come online. Well, look what I found..a message from Sean about how he left his phone at the practice space him and his friends share for their band. He didn't have a key, so of course he didn't have his phone on him. Oh, AND he was home!

      Why didn't I just go to his house? Because I'm an ass-that's why! He also has this way of making me feel super badly about not just going to his house too, but of course it's in a passive aggressive way so it makes me feel worse. Go me. He thinks we won't see each other for another 7 or 8 months now. At this point..maybe it's better that way.

      Hopefully matt and I are going to the Rancid show this weekend in the city. Yay for shows!

      Oh and, just in case my curse isn't bad enough coming out of Mass. The Rhode Island curse resufaced as well last night.

      John texted me finally after not speaking to me for no reason for two fucking months. He said that it wasn't fair to either one of us and it was just better this way..sure. Sounds like someone's been taking lessons from Sean with being a prick about the whole thing. I texted him back saying it wasn't fair and that he needs to tell me the truth on why he suddenly stopped talking to me. I have a feeling it has something to do with him fucking someone else, but that didn't work out-so now he's come back to me. Yeah, fuck you-that's not going to happen.

      Ugh, whyyyy do I do this to myself. I'm so fucking done with these idiot guys.

Sticks and Stones

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 03:09:57 GMT

Life is actually normal for once. I'm not hating my job anymore (because my bosses FINALLY understand that I should be there during the week so shipment doesn't get backed up), my friends are good, and I'm pretty content with everything.

I'm no longer mad at John or Jair. I see no point. It still stings when I do think about John, but then I realize who the hell was I kidding trying to make a relationship work from nearly three states away? Jair, well..he's just a prick so I guess he got what he deserved from me.

Sandy's baby is due in almost two months. It's crazy how fast time flies...

Not stressing out about a whole lot anymore. I like this-it's nice. Stephen and I are taking things rather slowly too, which is a nice change of pace for me. He brought me dinner last night from this party the firehouse he works at (and is now currently the president of), which was pretty nice of him. He actually got that promotion yesterday so we hung out to celebrate. For some reason, this kid is very different from the usual assholes I date. Maybe part of it is that I do regret what happened between us when we first met. He isn't normally like that and I'm trying to be a better person here. And he dropped the 'd' word this morning so I suppose we are dating, but I guess nothing is official at this point. Eh, it's cool. I'm not really in a rush or anything.

I texted Sean this very long message a little bit ago saying that if he really does love me that he needs to prove it. It's not that I don't believe him, it's just I've been down this road with him already twice and he's fucked me over each time. I really don't want to go through that again. I think that he's used to us being just conveinent for each other and I really hope that he's changed. If he hasn't I will never ever fucking forgive him. That boy has been my entire life for the past almost 5 years and if he does this to me again, I more than likely will get incredibly angry and hurt and physically violent. Maybe both of us are just still caught up in the delusion of what the other was back in college, and believe that it can still work. As much as I miss him to death, as much as I'd do absolutely anything for him-I really don't think I can bring myself to go back to him. And that's saying a hell of a lot since I thought of nothing but him for all these years. We'll see...

Later.

Stay (awake)

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 01:22:46 GMT

So, he did call me last night.

Interesting..very interesting

The drunkest at the party..

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 01:18:12 GMT

       Last night, I'm working with Katy and she tells me she commissioned. She wanted to celebrate, I suggested we go back to Asbury Lanes to see what's going on there for the night. So we get out of work and she calls me later to let me know that there's a dj but no bands or anything. We still went because there was no cover or anything so that was cool. Katy and Joe told me their friend Dave was going to make a cameo, because he was up from Florida for a few days and wanted to hang out. Dave is awesome. He's super skinny and super out of the closet. The first words he said to me were "Hi, I'm dave. I like hot boys." I laughed and said "really? sweet me too. We're gonna get along fine".

      We get there and start drinking. I'm feeling pretty good, but of course lonely as hell when I start to drink. I say this to Katy, who has told me that in about a half hour Dave's younger brother Stephen is going to show up. She laughs and says in response to my "katy, I need to get laid" that "don't worry, he'll be here soon". He shows up and by this point I'm feeling very relaxed.

      Then joe comes back with Kamikazee shots...

      Oh fuck, this is not gonna be good...

      Basically that shot did me in. I was obliterated by the time we left. I was so wrecked I spilled my drink on myself and the couch I was sitting on at one point. I played it off like I didn't do it. But my pants told otherwise haha. I left my car at katy and joe's and I don't feel like driving all the way back, so Steve offers to drive me home.

      Basically, Steve came home with me. God damn, I'm definitely reverting back to my college days. Don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing..Things were cool this morning, he bought me donuts from DD even though I didn't want them and I was hungover as fuck. I thought I was going to throw up several times this morning, thank god that didn't happen. I don't remember a lot from last night but maybe that's for the best. He drove me to my car and took my number and all that. Whether or not he is going to call-I'm not all that concerned. If he doesn't-whatever I guess. I can't keep this up and expect relationships out of this shit every time. We had a good time, I guess that's all that matters. Although, before I left-he said he would call me tonight. I grinned and shook my head. "You think I won't? Oh, you think this was a one night thing."

"Yup," I said. I guess that's the mentality I have now. I'm not expecting anything I suppose. He shook his head at me and grinned.

"I'll call you tonight."

We'll see...

Stitches

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 03:58:33 GMT

     Well, life is semi going down the tubes again..sucks. Let me explain..

     John has completely stopped talking to me for no apparent reason. I texted him a bunch of times but got no response. It still hurts-I didn't do anything to him at all. I haven't seen him in almost two months and haven't talking to him in about a month. If he really fucking cared he would have found some way to contact me. Like you know, through one of his friends (like billiam or someone), but no. So whatever. Fuck him. I should have known, all guys are the fucking same.

     Jair is also gone from my life. After hanging out again for a little bit, things just went way south very quickly. I hadn't hung out with him in a while and every time we tried I was either working or he was busy-shit just got in the way. So the other night we finally hung out and about after 45 minutes of him being here, he gets a frantic phone call from his friend's girlfriend. She claims that she cut her foot on a fence or something and needs to go to the hospital. Why she calls him of all people is beyond me (doesn't this bitch have parents?), but he ends up leaving and he didn't know what to do because he didn't want me upset at him for leaving. I told him to go save her ass before she dies or something, I was pissed off anyway. Then he pulls this bullshit that he stopped talking to me the first time for this reason. So apparently he WASN'T in love with me, he wasn't ready for a relationship and still isn't. Oh ok, so he pulling that card out. Well I pulled it right back on him. I looked at him dead in the face and said 'that's fine-the only reason anyway why I hang out with you is because I know I'll get laid'. He looked like he was going to cry, it was priceless. Stupid asshole-then he says he'll make it up to me by hanging out with me the next morning before I go to work. He never showed. I texted him, he never answered. So I wrote him off too. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with me? Is there a stamp on my forehead that says 'stupid' or somethng? Why do I constantly attach myself to these fucking idiots...

      I may move when my lease is up in march. I'm not sure where I want to go-maybe back to Boston. At least there's someone up there who gives a shit about my feelings..haha.

Sorry if this was a major bitchfest, but here's something happy-I went to MSI back in the beginning of July. It rocked. AND there's supposedly a Mest show coming up in November and then the week after that is Bayside. SOOO excited for them!

Quick little quiz

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 14:38:32 GMT

No Lying Quiz

Lasts:
1. Last beverage: Vitamin Water (xxx my favorite)
2. Last phone call: Annie
3. Last text message: Annie
4. Last cd played: My latest mix cd
5. Last BUBBLE bath: a really long time ago
6. Last hug: Jair

Have you ever:
1. Dated someone twice: ha, I'm doing that right now
2. Been cheated on: I've suspected it, and it was semi confirmed
3. Kissed someone and regreted it: Yeah, a bunch of times
4. Fallen in love: Of course
5. Lost someone special: yeah
6. Been depressed: Yeah, but I get myself out of it
7. Been drunk and threw up: ha, almost this past saturday-but yeah I have. Not fun

List 5 people you can tell anything to:
[In no order]
1. John
2. Sandy
3. Elliot
4. Matt
5. Erin

List your favorite colors:
1. Black
2. Red
3. Silver

Have you
1. Laughed: Every single day
2. Met someone who changed your life? Yes
3. Found out who your true friends are? Yeah

Random:
1. Bush: He messed up a lot. I hope whoever replaces him can fix everything we fucked up eventually.

2. Gay Marriages? Definitely for them. It shouldn't matter who you're with as long as you are happy.
3. Lowering the drinking age? I used to think so but not so much anymore.

4. Gay, Straight, or Bi? Bi
5. Who is the best hugger that you know? Fred, he's such a teddy bear haha
6. Do you believe in Love at first sight? Yup
7. Is there something you want to tell someone? My boyfriend that I miss him a lot
8. Brand of shirt you are wearing? It's called Catalina. never heard of it
9. How many people on your top friends do you know in real life? If we're talking myspace, then probably 8 out of 10 of the
10. How many kids do you want to have? 1 or 2
11. Do you have any pets? Not at the moment. I want a cat soon though

12. Do you wanna change your name? No
13. What did you do for your last birthday? Matt took me to a yankees game. It was awesome! (they won of course)

14. What time did you wake up today? 8:30 am
15. What were you doing at midnight last night? Sleeping or trying to
16. Last time you saw your mother? Like two weeks ago (I'm seeing her on wednesday when I come home though)

17. What are you listening to right now? An airplane flying outside
18. Have you ever donated money to a good cause? Yes.
19. Have you ever talked about someone behind their back? Yeah
20. What's the last piece of clothing you borrowed from anyone? A shirt from Eliot like a year ago. I still have it haha
21. Who's getting on your nerves right now? Not really anyone, but give it time. Someone will piss me off eventually haha.
22. Most visited webpage? Fictionpress.net
23. Coke or Pepsi?: pepsi
24. Have you kissed or been kissed by anyone in the past month? Of course.

TV Party Tonight..

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 13:28:05 GMT

Ok, so there was a party this past saturday night. It was absolutely insane...

My friends Katy and Joe were having a huge blowout bash at their friend Chris's house for an early 4th of july get together. He has a pool, good music, good people, good food, and of course good booze. Let's just say I proceeded to get drunk.

Very very very drunk. I pretty much don't remember half of what I said or did-but it was all on videotape so it should be interesting when I can see it when I'm sober. I had an awesome time.

Wednesday I have off, so I'm trying to get Sabrina to come into town so we can go see MSI-they're playing up in Hartford, very excited about that. Thursday have no idea what I'm gonna do (fireworks are that night, but I have work in the AM). I was SUPPOSED to go see John or something, but he cancelled on me because he is going up to Maine to hang out with his dad and all that (I sort of got upset about that-I basically told him it's cool. I'll never get to see him, I accepted that when I realized that I am 5 hours away from him haha). He feels bad though, he told me he thought I already made plans, but of course because of work being dickheads they fell through. So I pretty much have thursday open. yay.

Not much else is really going on, just work and the like. Oh, wait. I'm finally hanging out with Jair again after like a month of not seeing him. Still is a little odd, you know with him being in love with me and junk. Eh, whatever. I'll figure it out eventually.

From the van to the floor..

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 00:37:42 GMT

       Hello to no one that reads my shit anymore..it's cool I still read it to remember the good times I've had. A little update is due so..

      So I finally talked to Jair after not hearing from him for a while. Why oh why god do I always attract the psychos? This whole little fiasco is now that he's supposedly IN LOVE with me. Excuse me???! Which is why he stayed away for so long, he didn't want things to be 'awkward'. Well congradulations dipshit..you just fucking exceeded the expectations in doing that!! I think it's also rather amusing that at the exact same moment I had this conversation, John decided to text me..kid must have fucking esp or something. I told him what was going on, and of course his first reaction was 'am I gonna have to come down there and beat his ass?' Then I explain how pathetic it all sounded and he just started laughing hysterically. Friggin psychos man..

     Saturday I went to Asbury Lanes with my friends Katie and her fiancee Joe to see some local bands play. It was awesome..I really really like that bowling alley. It's very retro. The first band was "the #1 heavy metal tribute band to the BeeGees in the tri state area'..wow, they were surprisingly good if not ultimately hilarious. Katie bought their cd. We all had a couple of drinks and then the Love Cats came on. I was very very excited to see them since they are a Cure cover band, and the fact that the members are also of Bouncing Souls, Thursday and My Chemical Romance fame (hell yeah!). They blew me away, so good. I really never realized The Cure had some good ass songs. It definitely made my night (and Frank on bass no less, nice switch Mr. Iero if I say so myself heh).

      Hopefully next up will be MSI at Webster back in CT and then off to Starland for the party in the parking lot with Dropkick and Mighty Mighty Bosstones. YAY!

     Later.

Fall for you..

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 02:18:01 GMT

*sigh* this fucking stupid song..sums up everything.

Let me start from the beginning..

So like I said, Matt and I are over. Strange how I consider this kid basically my best friend and it's been like 3 days since I've physically talked to him. Oh well, I suppose. Matt and I will always be friends, it's as simple as that. You don't throw away almost a year's worth of memories for nothing. Funny how when he leaves my life, I go back to the way I was (the whore/groupie)...

     I was seeing that guy from the show at MSG for a little bit. It was very confusing, he had an awful lot of friends that were girls and he made no attempts to hide that he fucked at least a few of them. It's not that I was upset about it (who the hell am I to judge of all people), but it didn't make me feel exactly special. I sort of cut it off with him after that. I can't really handle someone who has shit on the side and is not up front about it. We have barely spoken since (another one down I suppose). However, he did in the short time we hung out convinced me to go back to AIM. I despised AIM for a while because for one, I never talked to anyone on it anymore. I kind of grew out of it...ANYWAY, he downloaded it onto my laptop and I just sort of messed around on it.

     That is, until one day last week..

     Out of the complete blue (and most likely the most random moment of my life), I get a message from John of all people. Now, he and I have a major major backstory that began all the way back in college. I've mentioned him a couple of times mostly due to his sort of revived (thank god), utterly amazing band that I knew. We met at a college party that an at the time friend I had was throwing. I believe I was drinking a lame ass excuse for a cosmo and we had an odd conversation about liquor and beer. Cut to about an hour and a half later (which I'm more than a little intoxicated), and apparently were making out in the stairwell outside the dorm rooms (this I don't really remember, because 1. it was so long ago and 2. I was drunk-but he provided that bit of info for me later). Cut to about 4 hours after that and we're in my room-fucking (yeah, I was a slut back then-I'll admit it). Anyway, the next day he leaves and we exchange numbers. After that started a simple but frighteningly fast love affair. He was 20, I was 18. I was in college, I wanted to have fun. I got bored. I started fucking around, and for a time I got away with it. First time was at (what else?) another party. I ended up making out with this guy that lived upstairs from me in my dorm building (it went further then that later, and it was definitely NOT worth it)..that one I hid for a while. Until he found out. Not my finest moment, but I begged and pleaded for him to forgive me and he did. Second time was (again) at another party, I ended up hooking up with my friend Trista (yes a chick). Again, I hid that one well too, until he found out and we broke up again. After that point I really just didn't care anymore. I basically thought in my head 'fuck it, this'll never work. Move on'. After that, I did move on (to Sean-obviously). I didn't hear anything from him or his friends (who in turn had become my good friends) for a year and a half.

      I was living with someone at this point in time when yet again I got another message from him asking me what the fuck was up with my life. Supposedly he had long forgiven me for what happened and the band was throwing their final show for free at his friend Larry's house for a huge party. 'You wanna come?' he asked me. 'Sure, I'll go. I'll support you guys'. Actually, for the more detailed account of what happened-skip back to about Aug of 05 (I wrote about it on here). I went and basically it was completely surreal, I felt somewhat detached from everyone, got extremely fucking drunk and actually caused John and his then girlfriend to break up because I sat on his lap when I first got there (hehe, I'm actually very proud of myself for the last one). I started going back more frequently because his friends (more specifically Billiam who I adore to death and consider like my brother) invited me back. Things were cool, until Bill made a pass at me (on more than one occassion). I freaked out. I couldn't do it-I refused. I would completely destroy the band, their friendships with each other and most importantly their trust in me. I got scared and didn't go back for another two years.

      Then last week happens...

      I didn't know really what to say, but we talked for a good 2 hours or so about everything and anything. The bitterness we had towards one another was gone and things were looking up. He begged me to come up there to see everyone. They missed me and crazy enough I missed them. A lot. I hadn't really not thought about them in all this time. Random things would remind me of them at one point or another. John actually called me to pester me in person whether or not I was coming up and then of course he got Bill on the phone to add to the guilt trip...I gave in.

     Took me fucking five hours to get there but I did. They gave me the wrong friggin exits because apparently their dumb asses don't know the exits in their own state. It was ok though, I found my way. It took them a couple of minutes to get there so I had some time to myself to think. I had no idea what the hell I was going to say to them because basically I fell off the planet and was cut off from contacting anyone that had a dick for about a year and a half. I was so damn nervous because I didn't want them to hate me. I knew they couldn't possibly but I don't know. Then they pull up and I have the biggest fucking smile on my face because I have not seen them in years. I literally ran out of my car and straight into John. I didn't really realize how much I missed him until I saw him, and as soon as he hugged me and said 'hi hunnie'-that was it. I was completely and utterly done for. And I didn't care, I realized I wanted it this whole fucking time and just didn't want to admit it to myself. It was such a wondeful feeling, I haven't felt like that in a long long time. I hugged Bill too and told them how much I missed them. It was really late by the time I got there so I ended up staying at John's. Basically it was a repeat of everything that happened almost 5 years ago.

      It was so crazy, surreal, and wondeful all at the same time. I don't know why but for some reason around him, I'm a complete emotional wreck..I guess it was like 5 years worth of anger, hurt and just plain missing him. And of course, in the middle of it all he had to go and fucking say what I'd been waiting to hear forever and a day- 'oh god I think I just fell in love with you all over again'. Yeah, I had to fight from crying a lot. I think its my second chance for all this, because honestly he is what I really need right now. I need someone that will listen to me and not be fake about shit, and have fucking respect for me without having to ask for it.

     I better not fuck this up again, because I think I have it worse for this kid than I did the first time...

     Later.

Just know you lived it well..

Tue, 20 May 2008 03:56:20 GMT

      Not too much has been happening lately. I suppose the only big thing is that Matt and I are no longer together. *sigh* I really don't know what to say about it. I still love him to death and I know he does too, but the distance is too much and we both have our own problems in our lives so it just didn't mesh too well together. Definitely no hard feelings between us so that is a good thing...

      The show at MSG was amazing..plain and simple. I was in the pouring rain trying to find the place and was freezing, but it was worth every second of it. If I could relive that day every single day I would. I met a bunch of nice people there too, we all exchanged numbers as is the customary find a friend at a show type deal. Two of them were over in Iraq and just got back- they were very cool. I'm actually very very loosely seeing one of them. He (his name is Jair by the way) decided that I, never been taken on a real date, would go to dinner and a movie with him. It was nice, he's normal and respectful..but I really don't need a guy right now. I need to make money and pay bills and junk.

    Life is pretty boring and dull at this point. I need to get going to bed because I have work at 9 am and I'm training in another store where I have not the slightest clue of the location so I need all the sleep I can get.

   Later.

Looking back..

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 01:01:04 GMT

      Wow, I was just reading through my journal here, and I just realized something...

      I BITCHED A LOT BACK IN THE DAY.. so sorry to those that were sick of my posts constantly complaining about shit. Damn I never knew..jeez. I try not to do it so much anymore..

      So, in wonderful concert news...I'm going to MSG to see my boys!!! YAY!!! I won the ticket on ebay no less, because on the acutal site I could not find tickets for the life of me. I shelled out 200 bucks for the fucking thing too..haha I better be getting some ass out of this deal or something for two hundred dollars. Bamboozle is in 16 days wooooo!! My friend megan is coming with us too- which is totally awesome.

Sandy's birthday was last thursday and we had a little get together at my place. It was so fun, Matt came by and brought his playstation 2 and rock band so we all played around with that for a while. I got her flowers and my friend Annie got her a hair straightener and Sweeney Todd on DVD (awesome movie by the way). Two days later I hooked back up with megan and we went to AC (atlantic city) for the night and had a wondeful time (matt and I set her up with our friend Deco who took a liking to her right away). She's going to bamboozle too so it should be a super awesome time.

Yeah I was supposed to go to the misfits show tonight, but eh. Nobody wanted to come with me-they either had homework, or work or something, and I really didn't want to go alone because I don't know Asbury all that well and didn't want to get mugged or raped or something. There's always other shows.

I guess that's it..oh wait, a funny thing happened last night. A bee got into the apartment and I killed it with tilex. I told my friend about it and he said 'I have no fear-I will kill bees for you'. I thought it was hysterical-but I'm weird like that so yeah.

Later.